


Empty

by SamslostshoeistherealMVP



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Saves Castiel from the Empty, Dean Winchester is Jack Kline's Parent, Dietsmut, I Tried, M/M, One of a million fixit fics, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, it could have been epic but no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28957146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamslostshoeistherealMVP/pseuds/SamslostshoeistherealMVP
Summary: “Then Cas decided he’d seal a deal he made with the empty in order to save me. See he... he told the empty it could take him to save Jack. The empty said it wouldn’t take him until he experienced a moment of true happiness. So he... so Cas...”“Told you he was in love with you?” Crowley asked gently.“Ya.” Dean said, wiping away traitorous tears.“You still hadn’t figured that out?” Crowley asked incredulously. “Castiel has been in love with you since he pulled you out of hell. He may not have known what that meant at the time but I sure thought you did.”“No.” Dean sighed, somehow glad he had Crowley to talk to about all of this. “I didn’t think he was able to love me like that. Guess I’m the idiot you always claimed I was.”“You’re not an idiot.” Crowley growled, “you’re an imbecile, there’s a difference. An imbecile would stumble along for over a decade, in love with a celestial being but never saying anything because they’re too scared to admit they feel something for another man. An idiot would let that angel rot and not try to save him.”“Call me an imbecile then.” Dean chuckled.“Gladly.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 85





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> This is just one of the millions of fixit fics out there. The fact that there are so many, and every one of them is better then the one we got speaks volumes I think. It could have been epic, it could have gone down as the greatest finale of all time, but no. I started writing this the day after 15x18 aired and abandoned it after the finale out of rage. I finally got to a place I could finish it and while I’m still not satisfied I think it’s the best I can do for now.

Empty

Empty. Dean was, empty. He sobbed on the floor of the dungeon, cold seeping into his very bones as he shook with gasping breaths. Far, far away, the sound of his phone vibrating cut off once more. How often had he heard it in the past few hours? He’d lost count. It started vibrating again almost immediately, the sound so faint in his ears he wouldn’t register it if he hadn’t been holding on to it like a life line. The noise was the only thing linking him to the present, the rest of him lived firmly in the past. 

“I love you. Goodbye Dean.”

A fresh torrent of tears trailed down his face as he rocked in agony once again. He played it over and over in his head, every word, every facial expression, every breath. They where forever burned into his soul, he’d remember that moment in excruciating detail every second of every day. 

He struggled to take another breath and choked on his sobs. Losing his father, losing Bobby, even his mother, had not prepared him for this amount of grief. This bitter, angry grief that was burning his soul and tearing him apart. His anger was only matched by his agony. 

How could he? How could Cas do this to him? He thought Cas knew, he thought he understood how Dean felt. He never had, and he had died not knowing. Deans biggest fear wasn’t death, wasn’t hell, wasn’t god himself, it was losing the people he loved. Being left. Every godforsaken thing he’d ever cared about was ripped from him, time and again, and he couldn’t stop it from happening. 

A new sound invaded his grief, the bunker door opening and sprinting feet. His name being called in fear and desperation by his brother and Jack. The only two creatures on earth he could care about at the moment. He opened his mouth to call back only to scream instead, for his name was followed by Cas’.  
————————-

Sam heard the blood curdling scream coming from the dungeon and his heart sprinted in panic. His brother, he’d never heard Dean make such a sound. He’d driven the whole way to the bunker on the boarder of panic, neither Dean nor Cas was answering their phones. That scream was the first confirmation he’d had that they still lived, but it what state? 

He and Jack rounded the doorway and found Dean curled into a ball on the floor, a bloody handprint like a billboard on his shoulder. Sam rushed to him, pulling Deans hands away from his face desperately trying to make sure he was okay. Dean fought him, clutching his hair, tearing his nails into his skin, refusing to look at Sam. 

“Dean!” He pleaded, “Dean, please! What’s happening? What’s wrong? Where’s Cas?”

As he said the angels name his brother let out another heart wrenching wail, and Sam knew. Cas was gone. 

Jack let out a small whimper from behind him and Sam hesitated, torn between his brothers grief and his sons. To his relief that small sound seemed to break the spell on Dean and he uncurled himself to seek out the nephilem. Dean got up wordlessly and crushed Jack in a hug, both sobbing at the loss. 

“The empty?” Jack asked quietly. 

Dean nodded sadly, another sob hitching in his chest as he stared at Jack. Jack managed to smile beatifically through his tears. 

“It was always you Dean.” Jack said, holding Dean by the chin to force him to look in his eyes. “He made that deal for me, he did it because he loved me, but he only loved me because of you. You, and the love you made him feel, where the meaning of existence to him. You made him strong enough to fight god himself, that’s incredible and awe inspiring. Please, Dean, don’t blame yourself.” 

A new wave of sobs overtook Dean, but Sam saw the difference in them. These where tears of grief and sadness, yes, but also relief and healing. He didn’t know what Jack was talking about, he didn’t know if he’d ever be told the truth of what happened in this room, of his best friends demise, but he knew a sacrifice had been made.  
—————————————

The brothers both spat dirt, blood and broken teeth as they lifted each other off the ground once more. They smiled through the incredible pain. Chuck had given them the ability to withstand this, he’d trapped them in hell and broken them over and over, he shouldn’t have been so surprised they wouldn’t stay down. 

Chuck hit them again and again, he seemed to enjoy it at first, reveling in finally dirtying his own hands with the torture of his favorite characters. Slowly though Chucks pleading for them to stay down took on a note of sincerity. He’d longed for their suffering, he’d meticulously planned for it, but now that he was the one causing it the results felt hollow. 

“Guys, seriously, this doesn’t need to hurt you so much. Just stop.” He said sadly as he threw them down once more. His favorites wouldn’t listen though, and wasn’t that why they where his favorites? Because they never gave up? Because they exemplified the human spirit? Because they where everything he had wanted humanity to be when he created them? 

Chuck felt his determination wavering. He could feel Amara fighting inside him, she’d promised to never hurt Dean and he’d forced her to break that. He felt as if his infinite power had been drained to a single drop, he truly didn’t want to do this anymore. He wanted it to be over, for him, for everyone. 

The brothers got to their feet once more and Chuck cringed at their broken faces and twisted bodies. They where smiling still, and now laughing. 

“Why are you laughing?” He asked incredulously.

“Because,” Sam said triumphantly, “you lose!”  
—————————————

Chuck sat on the ground, too tired to scrape and crawl through the dirt anymore. The car, the most important object on earth, was gone, they wouldn’t come back for him. Through the very human tears he smiled, they’d won. He always knew they’d win, even if he couldn’t figure out how.

He wondered why he’d chosen to fight them in the first place, knowing as he did, that he’d created them to finish him. He could have avoided this a million different ways, he could have stopped at any time, but he wanted it to END. 

He couldn’t even bring himself, in the end, to hurt them as badly as he could have. Physically, yes, he’d done more damage to them then most could imagine, but he could have crushed Dean another way and probably broken him if he’d dared. In the end he hadn’t, he couldn’t bring himself to do that to Dean, or himself. He couldn’t make light of Cas’ death.

Castiel was gone. His son, his favorite. The only one who ever actually defied him in a meaningful way. Lucifer got the credit for being the disobedient son, but in the end he too ran back to Chuck. Cas was the only one who fought against him to the bitter end and chose humanity, as he’d been commanded. He’d been able to do that only because of his love for Dean. He wondered, as he ran his fingers through the dirt absentmindedly, if Dean truly understood the significance of the angels declaration. His only regret was that he wouldn’t ever know the ending of that particular story line. The only one he hadn’t written himself, the one he’d fought against and tried to bury over and over. It had become the center focus, he’d never know how it all wrapped up now. 

————————————————

Weeks passed.

The brothers went on, they continued to save people, hunt things, do as they where always destined to do, but it felt hollow. 

Dean drank.

Sam researched. 

They found their family again. Everyone who’d been snapped out of existence was back. Sam found Eileen and didn’t hesitate for an instant to tell her he loved her. Dean was happy for him, Sam deserved someone as great as Eileen to spend his life with. 

Donna, Jody, the girls, Bobby, charlie and all the apocalypse world survivors, they where okay too. Dean took pleasure in their survival and was glad to have them back again. But the ache didn’t go away. 

Every minute of everyday he had to force himself to be present for his family. He lived continuously in the past, with Cas. He spent hours and hours sitting on his bed in his room, blasting classic rock into his skull and thinking of his last moments, his first moments, his best and his worst moments with Cas. His regrets and his failures, the times he’d hurt Cas, the times he made him smile, the innumerable times they’d saved each other, and chosen each other above all else. 

Dean knew everyone was aware of his suffering, despite him trying to cover it as best he could. When he entered a room people would get quiet, they’d give him looks full of meaning and unspoken comfort. Jody couldn’t go longer then a few minutes without grabbing his hand and squeezing, Donna couldn’t stop tearing up when she saw him, Bobby kept giving him manful pats on the back. Claire was the worst though, the one that hurt his soul to see. She’d just give him a watery half smile and turn away, she knew exactly how he felt. 

One day he left his quiet mourning in his room and entered the kitchen. Charlie sat at the table with a full pot of coffee and a large, ancient book in front of her. She looked up at him expectantly and gestured seriously to the empty seat next to her. 

“Was is this?” Dean asked, “an intervention?”

“In a way.” Charlie said with a smile. “Sam asked me to talk to you.”

“Why?!” Dean demanded, “talk to me about what exactly?!” 

His drinking? He was trying. It wasn’t helping anyway. Being drunk just made the grief blur into regrets, he’d been trying to be less obvious about it as he got it under control. 

“Cas.” Charlie said sadly. 

Dean gasped in a ragged breath. No one had said his name in front of Dean since he’d died. An unspoken rule had been formed, let Dean mourn in silence, don’t name his misery aloud. 

“Dean,” Charlie continued, “we need to talk about him. You need to talk about him.”

“No.” Dean hissed in anger.

“Yes.” Charlie said back strongly. “You don’t think I know? You don’t think I knew from the moment I saw you with him? I did Dean. I’ve always known. Please, Dean, you’re killing yourself and I can’t stand to watch it anymore. Please, can you trust me enough to talk to me?” 

Dean stared at her, fury rising in his throat. His grief, his torture, it was his to bear. Speaking of it wouldn’t help, it would rip off the half formed scab that had formed through sheer willpower. How could he ever trust anyone to hear what actually happened and understand what it meant? 

Taking a deep breath he calmed himself. If anyone could hear him, actually listen to him, it was Charlie. He was tired of keeping it in and ashamed of how he’d let himself be silenced about Cas’ sacrifice. He could trust Charlie, he would. In a rambling soliloquy he told her the whole tale. When he was finished he continued, he told her how he felt. The pain, the anger, the grief, the regret. He never got to say it back, he never got to tell Cas how much he’d loved him too. Everything came pouring out of him and once he started he couldn’t stop. The dam had burst, he’d never be able to plug it up again. 

“He left me,” Dean finished in tears. “He left me again, Charlie. This time is so much worse because now I know, I can’t lie to myself anymore. He did love me, the same way I loved him. I always told myself it wasn’t possible, that angels can’t feel that way, especially for someone like me.”

“You deserved him, Dean.” Charlie said gently as Dean put his head on the table miserably. She rubbed his neck in commiseration and affection as he let his emotions out. “You deserved a happy ending with him. You still do.” 

Dean shook his head, bumping it against the table rhythmically. He didn’t even want to think of that, he couldn’t handle it. 

“Obviously,” Charlie said in a lighter tone, “Jack couldn’t bring Cas back from The Empty. Probably something to do with cosmic balance or some shit, but that’s never stopped us. I must really love you, cuz I went to Rowena for help. She’s letting us use the Book of the Damned and pointed me in the right direction. There aren’t many ways to summon The Empty into our world, and there is only one way to do so without making the entity itself aware. Sams getting everything ready now. We’re going to get him Dean, we’re going to save him.” 

Dean stared in shock. He tried to crush the spark of hope raising in his chest. Losing it would kill him, he knew he had barley been hanging on before but it wouldn’t be enough after he’d felt hope. In spite of his efforts a slow smile crept across his face, he was going to rescue Cas from perdition this time. He’d never let him live it down.  
—————————————————

Sam gathered the spell ingredients and piled them on a table in the dungeon. Rowenas notes indicated it would be best to cast the spell in a place The Empty had already broken through before. He read through her instructions again, stopping at the personal note she’d left at the bottom. 

Sam,  
You can do this. You’re the most powerful witch I’ve ever met, excluding myself, of course. You need to embrace that dearie. Use that power to do the good you want to see in the world instead of squandering it. I won’t let you make the same mistake your brother did by not listening to me.  
Rowena  
P.S. tell Castiel hello from me! 

Her confidence in him was astounding and undeserved. He wasn’t so sure he could do this. It was, by far, the most complicated spell he’d ever seen, and required the caster to have incredible abilities to use it. If he screwed up one of two things would happen; he’d kill his brother, not technically but it would absolutely kill Dean to lose this chance. Or he’d kill himself. Sam took a deep shaking breath and let it out quickly, he had to try. As stricken and numb as Dean had been by the loss of their angel Sam was also hurting. Cas was his best friend, someone who he’d die for without hesitation. They both owed him this, not just Dean. Sam didn’t even get to say goodbye. And he couldn’t stand to see Dean die a slow death from grief, not if he could prevent it. 

Charlie walked into the dungeon with a smile on her face. Sam was glad he had her along for this, she too had been a protege of Rowena, even if their relationship ended messily. 

“Talk go well?” He asked curiously. He’d been worried about it. Dean wouldn’t tell Sam what had happened that horrible night, Sam thought he might be willing to tell Charlie though. 

“Great!” She said enthusiastically. “He’ll be here in a minute, he said he had to grab something first.” 

Dean stormed in seconds later with a look of fierce determination on his face. He looked at Sam and that face crumpled a bit as he tried to find the words to say. 

“Sam...” he started. 

“It’s okay Dean.” Sam said quickly, saving his brother from making a declaration of his own. “I know. We all know. I always thought you’d be the last to figure it out, but it ends up Cas was. The dumbass.” 

Dean barked laughter, the first true laugh Sam had heard from Dean since they defeated Chuck. 

“I prefer to think of him as oblivious.” Dean said, still chuckling. 

“Let’s get this shindig started!” Charlie cheered.  
————————————

Dean stood in front of the wall that had opened last time he’d been in this room. He hadn’t been able to walk through that door again after that night. His shoulders squared, one hand clenching a small hexbag specially designed by Rowena to become a locator beacon once he went through to the other side, the other clutching an angel blade he’d found in Cas’ room. It wasn’t much, but he didn’t know what all would be awake on the other side now that Jack had made it loud. 

“You’ll have a day.” Sam explained during a break in the spell. 

It had been hours and he still hadn’t finished it. Sam hadn’t been kidding when he said it was extremely complex. 

“I know.” Dean said quietly. He had no intention of stepping back through that portal without Cas in his arms. 

“Dean.” Sam said severely, “don’t even think of it.”

Sam knew. He always knew what Dean was thinking, how he was thinking. Dean turned around and gave his brother a smile.

“Sammy,” he said. “If the situation where reversed I’d say the same thing to you. And if the situation where reversed you’d still do the same thing I’m about to do. Don’t worry Sammy, I’m going to find him, and I’m going to bring him back. Then I’m taking him to the fucking beach like I promised all those years ago. You and Eileen can come too.” 

Sam nodded, his eyes watering. Dean would do his very best to bring Cas back and live a life with him. He wouldn’t give up fighting because he finally starting to understand he deserved that life. 

Sam started the final step of the spell, Charlie chanting along with him, lending some of her strength to his. He felt the pull as a dark, oozing hole opened in the wall. His powers had been enough, it had worked.  
————————————————————

Dean wondered the blackness for what felt like eternity. According to his watch it had been less then 4 hours. Time seemed stretched in this place. Every ticking of the second hand felt like it’s own lifetime. He’d stumbled across a few bodies laying on the ground, angels or demons he didn’t recognize slept peacefully, or maybe not so peacefully in their deaths. Dean liked to think he’d made a huge indent on the demon population as an individual, but he didn’t recognize a single one he passed. He did find Samadriel though, curled up like a child taking a nap. He hoped the little angels sleep was as peaceful as it looked. 

The locator spell twirled the hexbag as if it where drowsing for water. The spinning increased as Dean kept walking. The faster it spun the faster Dean went, until eventually he was sprinting. He saw a body in the distance and almost groaned in anticipation. This was him, he’d found Cas with plenty of time to spare.

He slid like a baseball player next to the body and almost screamed in agony. It wasn’t Cas. It was Crowley. He should have expected Rowena to do something like this. His anger dissipated when he remembered this was the one regret Rowena had. Of course she’d want Dean to bring back Crowley too.

“Crowley!” Dean growled, shaking the figure on the floor rudely. The demon awoke suddenly, alert and afraid.

“Squirrel?” He asked in confusion. “How did you get in here? Better yet, why are you here?” 

“I’m here to save Cas.” Dean said, “finding you was just a bonus.” 

“Of course you’re here to save your boyfriend.” Crowley snarked, “never gave a second thought to little old me after I gutted myself for you I’d guess.”

“Actually, I asked god to bring you back.” Dean said honestly. 

“Did you?” Crowley said, truly shocked. “Huh, well I guess he said no. No matter, you got in here now, so you can get me out.”

“Ya,” Dean said absentmindedly, “I’m not leaving without Cas.” 

“Figures.” Crowley said as he dusted nonexistent dirt off his suit. “How are we going to find the clod?”

“Well you mother made me this hexbag to locate him, ends up she geared it to find you instead.” He held it up for inspection and Crowley snatched it away greedily and started looking through the components. “You know Crowley, before she died your mom became one of the good guys. She threatened death herself to bring you back. I’m not surprised she did this to me, losing you is her biggest regret.”

Crowley lifted his eyebrows in suspicion at deans words. Then his face smoothed out and he handed the hexbag back to Dean. 

“There you go, squirrel.” He said smoothly, “mother made it so that once you found me it would start locating the angel.”

“No questions?” Dean asked, surprised Crowley wasn’t prying for information like he always did. Dean had just dropped the fact Crowley’s mother had turned good, regretted his death, and was dead herself, and he didn’t have a single question about it? 

“No.” Crowley said shortly. “I’ll sort things out with mother when I see her again. I assume she’s running hell in my absence?”

“Ya.” Dean answered. 

“And that she died sacrificing herself for you and your brother?”

“Yes.” Dean whispered, sadly remembering Rowena’s agonizing walk and deadly plunge. 

“Ha!” Crowley spat, “and she told me to stop working with you two before it killed me! Damned woman.” 

As they walked Dean found himself telling Crowley what happened surface side over the past few years. Crowley had always been someone who he’d thought of as evil, but by the end he’d seen that even the king of hell could have good in him. The Crowley that walked next to him seemed like an entirely different creature. He was calm and centered. He still snarked and said sarcastic things, but the sting was gone from his voice. Apparently sacrificing yourself and being forced to relive your biggest regrets changed a person, or demon. 

Crowley listened intently once Dean got to the fight between them and god. He smiled as Dean told him the failed ways they tried to beat Chuck over and over. Then Dean got to the part of the story that hurt the worst, the reason he was here at all. Telling Crowley something so personal and painful would be torture, but Dean was done being silenced about his love for Cas. What Cas had done had saved the world, through his sacrifice he had saved all of humanity. Dean wouldn’t belittle it by not speaking of it. 

“Death was literally knocking on the door and we where fucked.” Dean said as lightheartedly as he could. He would have to force himself to say the next part, but for Cas, he would. “Then Cas decided he’d seal a deal he made with the empty in order to save me. See he... he told the empty it could take him to save Jack. The empty said it wouldn’t take him until he experienced a moment of true happiness. So he... so Cas...”

“Told you he was in love with you?” Crowley asked gently. 

“Ya.” Dean said, wiping away traitorous tears. 

“You still hadn’t figured that out?” Crowley asked incredulously. “Castiel has been in love with you since he pulled you out of hell. He may not have known what that meant at the time but I sure thought you did.”

“No.” Dean sighed, somehow glad he had Crowley to talk to about all of this. “I didn’t think he was able to love me like that. Guess I’m the idiot you always claimed I was.” 

“You’re not an idiot.” Crowley growled, “you’re an imbecile, there’s a difference. An imbecile would stumble along for over a decade, in love with a celestial being but never saying anything because they’re too scared to admit they feel something for another man. An idiot would let that angel rot and not try to save him.” 

“Call me an imbecile then.” Dean chuckled. 

“Gladly.”  
———————————————-

Cas slept in The Empty. The entity hadn’t bothered to torture him like he thought it would. 

“You’re own memories will hurt you far worse then I ever could.” It had crooned forcing him into slumber. 

“There’s nothing back there for you.” It had whispered as he lost consciousness. 

He relieved his existence in the time he’d been asleep. He remembered every moment, from the first second god had created him, to the last moment with Dean, in perfect clarity. Those thousands of years before he’d swooped into hell and saved deans soul seemed gray and dark to him. Color and light had only entered his vision when he’d met Dean. 

The entity had made a mistake though, it had assumed Cas had regrets left to dream of, he had none. Everything he’d done, all the bad, the mistakes, the horrible missteps, had lead to the moment he told Dean just how perfect and amazing he truly was. It lead to the moment of pure happiness Cas had experienced when he finally told Dean he loved him. He would do it all again, he would live through all the pain for eternity, as long as he died with Dean knowing he was loved. It had been worth it, Dean would always be worth it. 

His memories turned to Dean once again. He could hear Dean calling for him, desperation searing into his words. Cas wondered which memory this would be: purgatory perhaps? A prayer Dean had sent him? The pain infused voice brought a moment of sadness to Cas, he hated to think of Dean in any kind of pain. 

Suddenly the absolute blackness over his consciousness started to recede. He heard the voice again, this time his fingers twitched in response. 

“Cas!” Dean pleaded as he skid on his knees next to Cas a grabbed his shoulders. 

Cas snapped fully awake at that touch. He could feel Deans hand against his shoulder, scorching him, branding him. He gasped in shock at the sight. Dean, he was here. 

“Dean!” He gasped back in equal desperation. “How? Why?” 

Dean didn’t let him finish his questions. Instead he took Cas’ face in his hands, running his fingers along his jawline, over his cheekbones, and finally across his lips. He seemed to be memorizing every plane of Cas’ face with the intensity of his stare. 

“You didn’t let me answer before you left.” Dean said in a small voice. 

Suddenly Deans lips where pressed against his own. Deans hands where on his skin, his body pressed against his own as much as possible in their awkward position on the ground. Cas had thought he knew was happiness was, but everything paled in comparison to this feeling.

“Hate to break up this beautiful reunion, especially before it earns itself an R rating, but we need to get moving.” 

That voice, more then any other, shocked Cas out of the best moment of his existence and back into reality. Crowley. 

“What are you doing here?” Cas growled, not truly angry. He had missed the king of hell, in a weird and uncomfortable way Crowley had understood him on a level no other ever had. 

“Dean found me first. Don’t worry, our own reunion wasn’t even a fraction as endearing as yours.” 

Cas turned back to Dean his hand reaching for him automatically. He felt Deans hand entwine with his own and melted a little from the pure happiness that made him feel. Crowley was right though, they needed to leave, now.  
————————————————

Dean tore his eyes away from Cas reluctantly to look at his watch. He inhaled sharply when he saw they had less then 8 hours left. He felt like he’d just found Crowley an hour ago, Cas a few minutes max. The time that had drug on endlessly was now rushing by at warped speed. 

“We need to pick up the pace.” Dean said anxiously. “I don’t know how we’ve lost so much time.”

“Because you’re happy.” Crowley said matter of factly. “Time here is relative, to your emotions specifically. The worse your regrets, the longer your suffering. The smaller your failure, the less time passes. You two being cute little turtle doves is forcing the time to go at light speed.” 

Dean checked his watch again, 7 1/2 hours now. Damn. 

“What do we do?” Dean demanded.  
I  
“I’m sure mother thought of this.” Crowley drawled, once more snatching the hexbag from Dean. He rifled through it again, throwing out some components, halving others, crushing other a few and sprinkling it back in. He shook the bag and said some words in sanscript before opening it and pouring it over Cas, Dean and himself. 

“There.” He said, as Dean felt his skin crawl and tingle. “That should buy us a bit of time. Hopefully it’s enough.” 

Dean looked at his watch once more and saw the second hand was moving at a normal pace. He relaxed a bit, he was glad he’d found Crowley. The king of hell may have been a horrendous enemy, but he was an amazing ally. Dean was glad they’d ended up on the same side more often then not by the end. 

His eyes found Cas’ once again as they continued their trek through the darkness. Cas’ smile seemed plastered on his face and Dean couldn’t help but smile back whenever he saw it. He realized how sappy and love sick he must look right this instant; walking hand in hand, eyes locked, smiling like a dope, forgetting how much danger they where in, literally warping time with the force of his happiness at finding Cas. He couldn’t bring himself to care, although part of him was glad Crowley was the only witness to this chick-flick moment. 

They continued walking, not saying anything and just basking in their finding one another once again. Once again, Crowley was the one to break the moment. 

“Cool it, love birds.” He hissed quietly. “You already sped up time with your gooey, doe eyed crap, but you’ll attract the entity if you don’t stop it, now!” 

Dean exhaled in frustration. How was he supposed to stop being happy? How was he supposed to not feel overwhelmed by his love for Cas? Cas showed equal frustration, he lifted Deans hand to his lips and lovingly kissed it before letting go with a sigh of regret. 

“We’ll be home soon.” Dean promised, “then nothing will stop me.” 

Cas actually blushed in response, which made Deans stomach drop to his feet. This wasn’t any better, he was still sickeningly, crazily in love with this angel. He forced himself to look away from Cas and concentrate on Crowley.

“Better.” Crowley said approvingly, “not that I object to you two making fools of yourselves over each other, I’m used to it honestly. I’m just glad it’s blatant instead of subtextual, that gets old after awhile.” 

“Sorry our misery became boring to you.” Cas said sarcastically.

“Oh, never quite boring.” Crowley explained, “just tedious. Will they, won’t they? Do they, don’t they? Part of me never got tired for looking for it, but the other part of me became so frustrated that you two wouldn’t just get on with it already.”

This was helping, Dean realized, Crowley was purposely goading them into being angry to keep the entity from finding them. He let the emotion run through him and held into it.  
———————————————

They passed by samadriel and Dean checked his watch again. 4 hours. They’d make it if they kept this pace. Cas stopped suddenly and knelt by the beatific figure. 

“Cas,” he said urgently, “we can’t save them all. We can’t risk waking more people up.” 

“I know.” Cas said sadly, running his fingers through the sleeping angels hair. “I will find out a way to come back though. I have to save him. I have to save all of them from this. We need them, heaven needs them. And they deserve better.”

“Ya well,” Dean said angrily, “Chuck didn’t do much to make sure his angels would have a happy afterlife. Maybe Jack will do something about it eventually.”

“Jack?” Cas exclaimed. 

Dean realized he’d never explained what happened when after Cas had died. He didn’t know if he could go through it again, especially now. He gave Cas the shortest version possible. 

“Jacks god now.” He said bluntly. “He said he had to go fix chucks fuck ups. He said he’d be in the rain and the breeze and a bunch of other hippy shit, but he’s gone now. He said he wanted to be hands off and let humans actually have free will for once. I mean, it sounds great and all, but I don’t understand why he can’t come hang out with us while he does that.” 

“Because he understands.” Cas said sadly. “Jack, being part human and part divinity, he understands in a way Chuck never could. Jack will be a good god, I trust him to do what’s right.” 

Dean shook his head, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to wrap his head around the fact his kid was now god. Cas’ kid. He smiled at that, if anyone could raise god to be good it was Cas.  
———————————————-

“15 minutes.” Charlie said anxiously, staring at the black void in front of them. 

“I know.” Sam replied calmly. “Don’t worry, Charlie. Dean will be back, he’s gunna save Cas and then we’ll have to deal with them making us all uncomfortable again.” 

“I’m excited for that part.” Charlie said happily. 

“Me too.” Sam said honestly. “Those two, I can’t think of anyone else with a bond like they have. It’s like the one can’t breath without the other, they don’t know how to exist apart.”

“Sounds a bit like you and Dean, to be honest.” Charlie said. 

“Haha, maybe.” Sam answered, “but not really. Dean and I are close, no question, but either of us could survive without the other if we had no other choice. We’ve both made that choice before, not that it worked out, but we have. Ever since Dean met Cas though, its different. We’ve lost Cas before, and every single time it’s like I’ve lost Dean too. He doesn’t just grieve him and move on, part of him dies too. Every time it’s been like living with a zombie. One who drinks and blacks out and screams in his sleep.”

“Jesus.” Charlie sighed, “and this time?”

“Was worse then all the others combined.” Sam answered honestly. “You saw some of it, but not the worst. I tried to keep everyone away from that. Eileen saw it one night, it scared her so bad she wouldn’t stay over anymore.”

Charlie looked at the ceiling with tears in her eyes. Sam wiped his own face covertly. This time really had been terrifying. Deans grief was invisible to him, he thought he did such a great job covering it up but in reality his misery was so strong it affected everyone he encountered. Sam feared every time he left the bunker what he’d return to. Empty liquor bottles, vomit, broken glass, Dean unconscious, or worse, awake and ranting. His worse fear was that he’d find his brother dead, he didn’t think Dean would die by suicide but as a hunter it would be easy to get killed on the job if you stopped being careful. Dean was also getting older and while the god-luck had kept him healthy despite his binge drinking and diet it wouldn’t last forever. Sam hadn’t had high hopes that Dean would live another year without Cas, he just didn’t know how. 

“5 minutes.” Charlie said thickly, “I’m getting worried now.”

“Don’t.” Sam said, “they’ve both always had a flair for the dramatic, it wouldn’t be Cas and Dean if they didn’t stretch it out to the last second.”  
—————————————

“5 minutes.” Crowley growled as they sprinted towards the pinprick of light in the distance. 

“We’re aware!” Dean shouted as he ran. “Now would be the time to pull another rabbit out of your hat if you got one!” 

“Fresh out I’m afraid.” The king of hell quipped. 

Dean snuck one more look at his watch and sighed with relief when he saw his panic was slowing time down again. He refused to look at Cas, seeing him might speed the clock up again. Every once in awhile Dean would feel Cas touch his back and get a jolt of energy, his angel was using his grace to keep Dean sprinting. 

The light was getting bigger as they approached, growing from a pinprick to a glowing fissure. It looked like a warped and corrupted version of Jacks portals, with black gooey edging and emitting a sickly pale glow instead of a brilliant orange light. 

They barreled towards the fissure, and didn’t hesitate to jump through it when they reached it. The three of them suddenly crashed through the blackness and into the searing light of the bunker, toppling over each other as it closed behind them. Dean heard two voices yelp in happiness and smiled, Sam and Charlie hadn’t given up on them. 

Dean untangled himself from the two other men on the floor and scrambled to his feet. The portal had slammed shut, leaving them without a second to spare. He stooped to help Cas to his feet only to be knocked over again as Charlie tackled him in a hug and Sam leapt at Cas and crushed him in one too. He hugged Charlie back fiercely as she chanted, “I told you! I told you! I knew you’d be able to save him!” 

“Well,” Crowley drawled as he picked himself off the floor and studied the heap of bodies at his feet, “nice to see you too.” 

“Crowley?!” Sam said, dazed and still squeezing the air out of Cas without thought. “They saved you too?” 

“Rather I saved them.” Crowley corrected. “Or mother saved me, and then I saved them. I still don’t know if she did it because she wanted me alive or because she knew these two couldn’t make it back without me.” 

“She wanted you back.” Sam said with finality, “Crowley, she would give anything to have you back. She’s going to be so happy.” 

“We will see,” Crowley said skeptically. “Mothers never been good about sharing power, as the grand coven could attest. Neither have I, come to think of it.” 

“You’re family.” Sam said, finally letting go of Cas who drew in a desperate breath when he was released. “You two will figure it out.”  
——————————————-

The reunion went on for hours. Family and friends heard the word that their angel was back and poured into the bunker like a river. Every few minutes the bunker door would slam open and feet could be heard rushing down the spiral stairs, and voices would be raised in jubilation. 

It was becoming quite the party, the bunker hadn’t been this full since they’d rescued the apocalypse world survivors, it had never seen this level of absolute joy and celebration. Sam and Eileen where rushing around, bringing food and drinks in from the kitchen. Jody and Donna had taken on the greeter role and Bobby was retelling the rescue tale for the group for the tenth time in the last few hours. 

Dean was in a daze of happiness and exhaustion. He hadn’t slept in a few days but he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to sleep again. He kept hold of Cas the entire time, never letting his hand wonder far from his angels. To his chagrin no one commented on it, no one gave him a sideways glance or whispered behind their hands at the hunter who was so obviously in love with the angel. Instead everyone smiled when they saw, they where genuinely happy for him and Cas. 

“Glad you found him.” He heard from behind him, turning around to see Claire and Kia. 

“Me too.” He said sincerely. 

Cas turned to see them and exclaimed in happiness. As he embraced Claire, Dean saw that she no longer tensed up at his touch, instead she returned the hug with enthusiasm. She had finally forgiven Cas for everything he’d done. 

“She really is happy for you guys.” Kia said quietly as Cas and Claire conversed. “She said you both deserve each other, and not in a sarcastic way either.”

“I’ve never deserved Cas.” Dean said, “and I never will, not in a million years. But I’ll take him, as long as he’s dumb enough to stick around.” 

“Dean.” Kia said sternly, “when will you realize you deserve everything? You’ve saved the world so many times we’ve all lost track. You give, and you give and you never ask for anything in return. Without you Cas wouldn’t be who he is, and without Cas none of us would be here.”

That sentiment, which so closely echoed Cas’ own, hit Dean hard. Maybe he truly did deserve this, maybe he deserved to be happy. His eyes scanned the room, looking at all the people he loved packed into the bunkers map room laughing, hugging, and not without a few tears of joy and for the first time in his life he felt completely content.  
—————————————-

The party had started to wind down at midnight, by 3am the only people still awake where Dean, Cas and Sam. They cleaned up the party related mess happily. Everyone they loved had been under the bunkers roof at some point in the night. Rowena had stopped in early, dragging Crowley out with her after a surprisingly emotional reunion for the mother and son. They left with the cryptic words, “you’ll be hearing from us, Winchesters.” Everyone else had either left or crashed for the night in one of the many empty rooms the bunker could accommodate. Everyone they loved, excepting one very important person. Jack hadn’t shown. 

They hadn’t expected it, they hadn’t dared to expect their son, who had turned into a deity and the most powerful entity in existence, would turn up to the celebration, but it still hurt that he hadn’t. Sam saw the hurt he felt echoed in his brothers eyes. If there had ever been a reason for a deity to show himself it was for Dean rescuing Cas. 

Jack may be all knowing and all powerful, but he’d seen what this story meant to them all. He knew, had to know, how important this was. Maybe being an omniscient being left you bereft of emotion, either way his absence had hurt. 

“Hello!” 

All three jumped at the chirped greeting. No one could ever have mistaken that wonderfully naive and yet beautifully knowing voice for anyone else. 

“Jack!” They all exclaimed in unison. 

What followed would have been considered horribly embarrassing to those who thought God as the creator of all. Jack was immediately dog piled, hugged, knuggied and had his back slapped by all three of his fathers at once. While some may have thought it beneath god to go through such treatment the deity himself seemed to revel in it. 

“I couldn’t miss the celebration!” He said once they’d stopped pummeling him with affection. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

“No need to apologize Jack.” Cas said, holding up a hand in warding. “I know you would have saved me if you could have.” 

“It’s the first thing I tried.” Jack said, tears already welling at his failure. “After putting everything Chuck did to right, I tried to save you. I couldn’t reach into the empty no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was put my faith in Sam and Dean to rescue you. I knew it was well placed.” 

“God put his faith in us?” Dean asked incredulously. 

“I always have.” Jack answered simply. “And like always that faith was rewarded.” 

Sam felt goosebumps running across his entire body at that. God felt as if they where worth placing faith in. He felt tears stinging his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day as he let that sink in. That faith had been hard earned and well deserved, Sam realized.

“I’m glad you got him out.” Jack said simply, hugging Cas again. 

“Me too.” Dean said roughly. 

“Oh,” Jack replied. “I know. Trust me, I’m aware of how happy you are Dean.” 

Sam burst into laughter at that. Dean looked away embarrassed and mumbled something about how “even god should mind his damn business.” 

“Will you be staying with us?” Cas asked finally, speaking over Sam’s continued snorts of laughter. 

“No.” Jack said sadly. “I have so much to do, and amara has so much to teach me. We’re really working together this time, as it was supposed to be from the start.”

“Jack.” Dean started with sincerity. “Please, buddy, don’t disappear on us again. You’re family, you’ll always be family. Ain’t no going back on that deal kiddo. You gotta go do your god business? That’s fine, just know we will always be here waiting for you. You’ll always have a place here, with us.” 

“Thank you Dean.” Jack said quietly. “I would like to be able to stop in, visit you all and know my family is happy. It’s hard to balance the universe and not get caught up in one small part of the story though. You guys, you’ve been the instrument writing the story for so long, you’ve all done things that have changed the course of not only humanity, but entire cosmos’s so often, I fear being around you will influence me to do things I shouldn’t. If only because you all would never stand for suffering of innocence. If... when... I figure out how to dance that delicate dance, I will be here. Until then, please know I love you all.” 

With that Jack raised his hand once more and disappeared.  
——————————————-

As the sun started to come up Dean and Cas entered Deans bedroom. They hadn’t been alone since the moment Dean had found Cas in the empty. As the door shut behind Dean a wave of anticipation washed over him, they hadn’t said what needed to be said yet, they hadn’t had the difficult conversation that needed to be had. 

“Cas.” Dean said quietly, while the angels back was to him. “We need to talk.”

“You don’t need to say anything,” Cas assured him, turning to face Dean. “I know everything I need to know. You don’t have to actually say it.”

“I love you.” Dean said suddenly. “I love you so much Castiel. I’m sorry I didn’t say it back before. I was in shock, I was stupid, I was terrified. But mostly I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know an angel could feel that way, especially about me. I loved you for so long that I had given up on it. In purgatory, praying to you every night, I’d stop myself right before I told you I loved you. When you came back and Naomi got ahold of you, I almost told you again, but I stopped myself. When I thought you where dying from Michaels Spear, and I finally heard the words I’d wanted to hear for so long come from you, I stopped myself again because you’d said it to our family, those words weren’t just for me. I resigned myself loving you in a way that could never be reciprocated. I pushed you away because of it. Cas, I’m so sorry.” 

“Dean.” Cas said gently, wide blue eyes staring into Deans very soul, “Don’t apologize to me, please.” 

Dean couldn’t stop himself, would never stop himself again, from cupping the angels face in his hand and pulling him forward. Their lips met and Dean could swear sparks flew, just like the night they’d first met. Cas’ lips parted slightly and Dean dove into the kiss further. His tongue drove into the angels mouth and he heard a desperate, hungry cry escape his throat. Cas tasted of thunder and the ocean, his new favorite taste. 

Dean lost himself in the kiss, numb to every other sensation but Cas’ tongue against his own, their breath becoming ragged as they sought to devour one another, his heart racing up into his throat as he desperately tried to capture every moment forever in his mind. He slowly became aware of Cas’ hands, one clasped firmly on the back of his coat and the other planted on his neck, slowly traveling in lazy patterns that drove him insane. His own hands seemed to have a mind of their own, clutching Cas’ by the hair powerfully and pulling him impossibly closer by the waist. Every inch of them that could was pressed against one another as Dean fought himself for control. The need to breath and not pass out finally won as Dean broke the kiss with an agonized whine. 

“Dean.” Cas said soothingly as Dean continued to cling to him desperately. The angel wrapped his arms around Dean once more as the hunter pulled in gasping breaths. 

His lungs wouldn’t fill. Every agonizing gasp barely felt enough to keep him upright. Panic started to creep in as Dean desperately pulled in ragged lungful after ragged lungful of air. His throat felt as if someone where squeezing it shut and his lungs wheezed laboriously. He could see Cas’ calm, beautiful face contort in panic as he battled his own body. He felt himself being lifted off his feet and gently placed on his bed. 

“Breathe.” Cas said calmly, settling himself on the bed next to him. “It’s okay Dean. I’m here, you’re safe. We’re safe now.” 

Safe. Dean heard the high pitched whine escaping from the back of his throat as he tried to breath normally again. He could almost hear Sam talking him through his panic attack, “four beats in, hold it four, four beats out.” This wasn’t new to Dean, he’d had a few in his lifetime, he just didn’t think kissing Cas would trigger one. That thought alone was enough to make Dean laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

“You need to sleep.” Cas stated. “You’ve been awake for days, I can feel your exhaustion. Sleep Dean, rest.”

Cas got up from the bed and Dean almost panicked again, grabbing for him instinctively and desperately. Cas couldn’t leave, Dean couldn’t let him. 

“I’m not leaving.” Cas said, almost reading his mind. “I’m just making you comfortable.” 

With that his angel slowly and gently took of his coat and boots. He unbuttoned his flannel shirt, something Dean had looked forward to for god knows how long, and covered him in layers of sheets and blankets before tucking him in like a child. 

“I’ll watch over you.” Cas said softly, sitting in his chair near Deans bed. “Sleep, Dean. I’ll be here when you awake.” 

Dean was out before the last word left Cas’ mouth.  
——————————————

Cas watched as Dean fell into a deep slumber almost immediately. How could anyone sleep so shortly after a panic attack? With the help of an angel, of course. He didn’t feel guilty for using the very small amount of grace he had left to let the love of his existence sleep peacefully. For Dean he would willingly use every ounce of grace he ever had, stolen or been gifted, no questions asked. 

He watched as the hunters breathing evened into a natural cadence. Seeing Dean have an attack like that wasn’t new to Cas either, he’d watched both brothers break more often then he’d ever want to. He’d covertly aided them in fighting these as long as he’d known them, first consciously, then eventually instinctually. He couldn’t let them break, the world needed them, he needed them. As he watched his hunter sleep, brow furrowed even while dreaming, he wondered if he’d made a mistake in doing this. He hadn’t allowed them to vent their emotions in a very natural way. He’d bottled up their breakdowns for them, putting it away for another time, another place, once they where safe. But they’d never been safe. Over the years the trauma they’d survived would have shattered any other person on earth but them. Part of that was because Cas had pushed that trauma away, not letting them process in a natural way, trying to protect them. Now they both stood on a precipice, safety was finally in their grasp and no more Big Bads where on the horizon. Sam had done far better trying to process their grief over the years, Dean hadn’t even tried. The time was coming soon where Cas wouldn’t be able to do this anymore without causing worse damage. 

Dean mumbled in his sleep and turned over roughly. Cas reached out to him quickly, checking that he still slept and hadn’t woken himself with the movement. He chuckled at his own anxiety, Dean had often complained over the years at Cas standing over him while he slept. If only the hunter knew Cas did this almost every night he could. Sleep was the only time he could see Dean truly relax, unless he had nightmares, which he did often. 

As he thought of it Dean started to twitch in his sleep. His mumbling turned into actual words. 

“No... please...” Dean begged, breaking Cas’ heart to hear. “Cas... please... don’t hurt him.”

Cas gently ran his hand over the hunters forehead once more and watched as the fear drained from his face and he slept peacefully once again. Cas would need to find a lot more strength before he let Dean suffer through his trauma.  
———————————————-

Dean woke to pitch darkness, which wasn’t unusual as he lived in an underground bunker. Panic almost immediately flooded him as he reached out to the darkness searching.

“Cas?!” He yelled. 

He felt arms around him and lips pressed to his head and instantly relaxed into them. He felt Cas shift slightly and his bedside lamp flicked on. 

“I’m here.” Cas said lowly. “I never left.” 

Dean let himself be rocked in Cas’ arms for a few moments, not saying anything. His head tucked under the angels chin, his hands tracing symbols on Cas’ arm and chest. 

“Protection.” Cas guessed. “You’re drawing protection symbols on me?” 

Dean nodded, embarrassed. He hadn’t really thought about what he was doing. He peaked up at Cas and saw him smiling sadly back at him. 

“I’m safe Dean.” Cas promised again. 

“For now.” Dean blurted out, shocking himself by immediately bursting into tears again. Cas held him through it, he let Dean sob and scream his way through the worst of it before starting to talk again. 

“Forever.” Cas promised. “I’m done, Dean. I’m done laying myself on the alter of self sacrifice and flagellation. So are you, so is Sam. We’ve done enough, we’ve earned our happiness. We’ve earned our rest. We are going to live, Dean. Not just survive anymore, we are going to live our lives. We deserve it.” 

“I want to go to the beach.” Dean said in a quiet voice, feeling silly for saying it. 

“Then we will.” Cas said simply. “I want to take you to the beach, I want to show you the Grand Canyon, the Great Wall, the northern lights, the rain forest, the pyramids in Egypt. I want you to see every beautiful sight the world has to offer. I want you to experience everything there is to experience. I want you to explore unknown wilds, see cities that have been buried in time, discover wonders never witnessed before. I want all of that and more for you Dean Winchester, and I’m making it my mission to show you these things.” 

Dean was awestruck by the angels words and sincerity. He’d never once thought of doing all of those things, but hearing Cas talk about it he realized that’s all he ever wanted to do. He wanted to experience all these things, enjoy them, love them, with Cas. 

“Awesome.” Dean whispered. 

“That’s what I’m going for.” Cas answered dryly. 

He dipped his head again and brushed his lips against Deans forehead. Dean reached up and pulled his angel down slowly. Kissing him thoroughly. His body reacted more then his mind as he rolled into his back, pulling Cas on top of himself in the process. He’d shucked off his pants at some point in the night and was left in his boxers and a t-shirt, while the angel still had multiple layers on clothing covering his skin. 

“Get this off.” Dean growled, tugging at the trench coat covering Cas. “Get it all off.” 

Cas chuckled softly and obeyed Dean. Stripping off multiple layers of clothing as the hunter watched greedily. He laid down on the bed once more, no more clothes then Dean. Cas hadn’t seemed to be willing to take that final step and be completely naked yet, Dean would change that soon enough. 

“Mine.” Dean crooned, grasping Cas to him and running his hands on ever inch of skin he could reach. 

“Yours.” Cas replied, “always yours.” 

Dean rolled on top of the angels prone body, Cas legs wrapped around him instinctively as their bodies slotted together perfectly. 

“Oh, Cas!” Dean exhaled, pushing himself against him. His dick was so hard it felt painful, the friction he felt as he pumped himself against Cas was like heaven. 

“Dean!” Cas said, nails digging, back arching in response. Dean could feel Cas’ cock twitching and straining as their bodies frantically pushed against each other, chasing the friction they both craved. Dean quickly had them both striped naked.

“I’m going to show you this.” Dean said as he slowed his pace, catching his breath. Cas eyes looked lust drunk as he lay beneath him. “You show me all the wonders of the world, I’ll show you every wonder of your body. I want you to experience everything there is to experience too. I want to be the one to make you feel this.” 

As he finished his speech he reached between them and grabbed Cas’ cock, gripping it tightly as he pumped slowly up and down. Cas gasped and bucked into Dean’s hand wildly. 

“You like that angel?” Dean asked softly.

“Yes.” Cas panted, “please...” 

“Oh I’ll please you, baby.” Dean replied, “I promise.” 

“Dean.” Cas moaned again. Dean didn’t think he’d ever tire of hearing his name being moaned in ecstasy in Cas’ deep gravelly voice. It sent a shockwave of euphoria down his spine and he shivered in sheer arousal. Dean crawled down further on the bed and stared Cas in the eye as he licked his cock slowly from base to tip, swirling his tongue around the top before gliding half the length down his throat. 

“Ughh,” Cas moaned, hands clasping Dean’s hair, pushing him to go faster. 

“No angel.” Dean said, licking the length of his cock between thoughts. “I’m going to make this last, I’m going to make cum, but only when I’m ready for you to cum for me.” 

His head bobbed up and down while Cas writhed helplessly on the bed beneath him. Dean very much enjoyed this, he’d always gotten a big kick out of making his partners go crazy, doing it to Cas was far, far better then he’d ever expected. His own cock was painfully swollen and leaking precum everywhere, he’d soaked the sheets beneath him already. If he wasn’t careful he’d come without ever having Cas touch him. He could feel Cas building toward the inevitable and backed off again, crawling up the bed to lay beside him. 

“Dean.” Cas plead again, Dean loved that so much. “I’m going to...”

“Almost, baby, almost.” Dean crooned kissing him gently and slowly, bringing him back from the very brink of orgasm before wrapping his hand around his cock once more. This time Cas returned the favor. At his touch Dean groaned loudly, his head bowing in pleasure. 

“Is that good Dean?” Cas asked, mimicking Dean’s movements perfectly. 

“Yes.” Dean panted, “oh god, Cas, that’s so fucking good.” 

Within second they where both writhing and grunting, their cocks twitching and their bodies bucking as they came into each others hands. 

Dean had always hated the afterglow. That stupid moment in time after cumming where you felt like everything was just perfect and wonderful with the world. Whether he was with a partner or by himself he’d never wanted to enjoy that moment of pure good feeling that others insisted sex was all about. It made him feel vulnerable. The world wasn’t a place where you could feel that happy and content and not have it ripped away from you at any second. This time though Dean let himself feel that fully as he and Cas laid in each other’s arms, panting, kissing and just touching. It wasn’t so bad, in fact he kind of saw everyone’s point about it.  
————————————————-

“The Empty had it wrong.” Cas stated as they lay entangled. 

“Whatcha mean?” Dean asked lazily, still chasing that afterglow long after it should have disappeared. 

“It said it wanted me to experience true happiness before it took me.” Cas explained, “telling you how much I loved you was a moment of happiness. I didn’t care, at the time, if those feelings went both ways. Telling you how I felt, letting my truth and my feelings be known, that was the happiest I’d ever been. But it wasn’t pure. I felt incredible sorrow too. I knew I was leaving you, and I wouldn’t be able to protect you anymore. I knew my words would hurt you, though I didn’t think it was because you felt the same, I thought you’d feel guilt, anger, all the things you usually take upon yourself.”

“I felt a lot more then that, Cas.” Dean said sharply, afterglow dissipating into nonexistence. 

“I know.” Cas said sadly, running his hand down Deans side. “And I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d ever feel those thing. I don’t regret what I did, I would never regret saving you, but I don’t know if I would have had the strength to do it knowing how much pain it would cause you.” 

“You going somewhere with this, Cas?” Dean asked. 

“Eventually.” Cas chuckled, “I find it hard to form full thoughts right now.”

“I’m finding it kinda hard to follow your thoughts.” Dean said. 

“As I was trying to say...” Cas said sarcastically. “The Empty was wrong. That was the happiest moment I’d ever had, up to that point, but it wasn’t pure happiness. I didn’t get to feel that until now, laying here with you.” 

Dean beamed at him radiantly. That smile, that was the reason Cas had sacrificed everything and would do so again in a heartbeat. Soon after he’d pulled Dean from hell he’d experienced that smile for the first time. It had shocked him, the way simply flashing ones teeth could affect another being. He immediately chased those smiles, and within only months of knowing Dean he had been willing to do the unthinkable to obtain them. He’d always been obscenely proud of himself when he put a smile on Dean Winchesters face, even though it was usually accidental. 

“I love you Cas.” Dean said suddenly. 

“I loved you first.” Cas said back. 

“When?” Dean asked lazily. “When did you fall Cas? I’ve been wondering who actually loved who first here.”

“The moment I pulled you from hell.” Cas said honestly. “I had to put you back together, atom by atom, fixing all the damage done to your body. I touched you’re soul doing this, truly held it in the palm of my hands, and felt how bright and truly beautiful it was. I didn’t know what love was then, my feelings where a distraction and a hinderance to me then. I agreed with heaven when they said I was too close to my charge, you, and agreed to be reprogrammed without a thought. It took all of a few days for me to fall for you all over again. No amount of torture or brainwashing could ever make me forget how much I loved you, how much you’d changed me.” 

Dean looked at him in awestruck wonder when he dared to ask the same question himself. 

“When did you know?” 

“When you saved me from Zack, maybe before that.” Dean answered. “I hated all of you so much, but I couldn’t help but know, somewhere deep down, that you where different. Every time I raged against angels and said you where all dicks, I’d always make the exception for you. I expected so much more from you, I expected you to understand me, I felt something toward you from the start, even if I wouldn’t let myself really think about it.”

“I had left my mark on you by then.” Cas explained. “Even if you didn’t remember our battle out of hell, your soul remembered.” 

“My soul remembered.” Dean nodded. “That actually explains a lot. I always felt that we had something more between us. I swear the first time Pamela said your name I recognized it as someone... important to me. Someone who’s always be important to me.”

Cas smiled, he’d always striven to be important to Dean, he’d thought he’d failed time and again to do so. 

“I have one more question.” Dean said sleepily. 

“Just one?” Cas asked in disbelief. 

“Like a thousand, actually.” Dean chuckled, “but we have forever to get to those. Just one for now.”

“Hmmm?” Cas sighed in reply. 

“You said you could feel someone’s longing for you once.” Dean said hesitantly, “how could you... how could you not know then how much I love you? If you felt how badly I longed for you for all those years? How could you doubt me?” 

Cas stared at Dean, his green eyes flashing his emotions. Pain, sadness, disbelief, anger. But love too, always love. 

“I could feel longing, yes.” He answered slowly. “It wasn’t longing for me specifically I felt though. When someone was longing, wanting, praying for something, that’s what drew me to them. The longing I felt from you, it was intense, always. From the moment we met you longed for something fiercely. I always assumed you longed for peace. For Sam to be safe, for an end to the fighting, for a resolution.”

“Fuck that.” Dean spat. “Peace. Of course I wanted peace. But fighting for it is what makes it worth it. I’ll always fight for it.”

“Which is one of the millions of reasons I love you.” Cas said gently.  
——————————

Hours later they still lay in bed together in the soft light the lamp shed. They hadn’t talked much more in that time, they’d just enjoyed the miracle of being together again. Deans stomach broke the love spell by grumbling angrily. 

“Humans need to eat.” Cas said flatly. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dean said, rolling over to find his clothes. “And angels should probably get up too. We have guest, in case you’d forgotten, and they’re all probably wondering where the hell we are right now.”

“I doubt any of them wondered very long.” Cas said seriously. 

“Ugh.” Dean complained. “Probably should have thought of that. Probably should have also thought of the fact these hallways echo a lot... that’s kind of embarrassing.” 

“To you, maybe.” Cas said angrily, “I’d never be embarrassed of us.”

“Yeah, no, Cas.” Dean quickly explained. “I’m not embarrassed of us being together. Maybe I was before, maybe that’s part of the reason I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, and I’m sorry for it. But, I don’t care anymore. If someone has a problem with us being together or has something to say they can fuck off. You were right when you said we’ve earned this, we’ve earned us. I’m just thinking no one wants to hear all that and it isn’t exactly polite of us.”

Cas thought about this and realized Dean was right. Being embarrassed of being together and being embarrassed of people overhearing their most intimate moments where two very different things. He thought of Claire and Kia rattling around somewhere in the complex and felt his face flush. He’d need to look up some sound dampening spells very soon. 

“Sorry.” Cas said. 

“No.” Dean said while leaning in to kiss Cas’ forehead again, “don’t apologize, okay? Don’t ever apologize for making noise my angel, I love it. Let’s go out there and see our family off.”  
———————————

Weeks passed and they settled into a domestic routine. Sam and Eileen moved into a wing of the complex together and it became their space from then on. Cas and Dean took the wing Deans room was already in and made it their own. Since they’d moved in Sam and Dean hadn’t done much in the way of redecorating the mid century modern motif that had come with the place. Now either wing had its own feel, it’s own individual flavor. Sam and Eileens side ran towards the colloquial, bookshelves overflowing and sturdy furniture, reading nooks filled to the brim with soft cushioned couches. Cas and Dean leaned more modern and minimalist in their wing. The sharp atheistic of heavens halls could be felt when one entered it. It gave Cas comfort to see order in his living space, and Dean had always lived minimally, so it perfect for them both. 

It shocked Dean how easily they transitioned into this way of living, but he wasn’t about to argue with it. Sam would occasionally hint to Dean that a job was available for them but Dean brushed him off time and again. Finally one morning while Dean scrambled eggs and Sam broached the subject one more time. 

“So there’s something going on in the Akron area, it looks like one of dads unsolved cases, should be check it out?”

“Nah.” Dean said casually. 

“Nah?” Sam snorted, “what do you mean, nah? We haven’t gone on a hunt in weeks!”

“To be honest Sammy,” Dean said quietly, “I’m done. I’m officially retired from hunting, as of now.”

“What?!” Sam sputtered, “how? Dean you said it yourself a million times, we don’t retire. You said it’s the only thing you could ever do.”

“That was before, Sammy.” Dean explained, “We have a chance here brother, the first chance we’ve ever actually had, to be happy. We’ve done our parts. We’ve paid the blood price more then anyone could have asked. I don’t want to stop completely, I want to start a hunters network like we’ve always talked about. Maybe get safe houses set up, help train the new generation and keep them safe by giving them access to the information here. But I’m done putting my neck on the line, it’s been hacked at one too many times.” 

Sam sighed deeply, but seemed to accept Deans reasoning. 

“You’re right,” Sam said finally, “you’ve been burnt a lot Dean. You do deserve rest. I’m not ready to stop though, neither is Eileen, not yet at least.” 

“Well, at least I know you have a competent hunting partner to keep you alive.” Dean laughed before sobering suddenly. “Don’t you dare get hurt though. Don’t you dare die before we get to enjoy this shit.”

“Promise.” Sam laughed.  
————————————

The sun beat down on Cas and Dean as they lay in their respective beach chairs. A light ocean breeze blows across their bear chest as they relax, actually relax, into the reggae beat playing over the speakers. 

“See?” Dean says calmly, “you, me, beach. Everything I’ve always wanted.” 

“If Sam and Eileen came, you mean.” Cas rejoined. 

“Nah.” Dean corrects, “I mean sure, them being here would be the cherry on top the sundae, but then again if they where here I wouldn’t be able to be alone with you.” 

Being alone had become Deans favorite thing, as long as alone included Cas. He met Cas’ azure eyes across the miniature table strewn with umbrella laden drinks and smiled. 

“We still doing the deep diving experience this afternoon?” Cas asked. 

“Absolutely.” Dean said enthusiastically, “what else would we do?”  
—————————————


End file.
